Tired, an understatement!

Tired, I've been so very tired lately and saying so feels like an understatement!  I have been blessed with a wonderful addition to my life, My Randy and his children.  Along with that addition has come fun, laughter, giving and taking, patience and a lot of gratitude on every one's part.  Also along with that addition has come added financial stress due to the loss of Randy's job, attorney's needed to be hired to address modifications to child support for Randy kids after finding new employment with drastically less pay and then various other financial stresses. Really, financial stress I can handle.  It is what it is.  I can only imagine what Randy is going through and worrying about and contemplating and stressing about...I know it's been very hard on him too. What has been the most frustrating and overwhelming for me has been trying to deal with Randy's ex wife through all of the this.  I have little to no control over the situation, which compounds my frustration.  I do not doubt for one minute that Randy's ex-wife has not struggled emotionally, physically or financially due to their divorce and separating of their lives, finally realizing that what you thought would be your future is not to be.  I have been a single mother (although, much different circumstances behind my divorce)and the one to hold things together for the kids and for myself, it's freaking hard!  I have compassion for the situation that I imagine she is in.  My total frustration comes from her complete unwillingness, anger and disrespect for a man she lived with, chose to marry, chose to love, chose to have children with and chose to build a life with.  Now, we all know, life NEVER turns out the way we think it will.  Our spouses, ourselves, our children and others in our lives disappoint but truly the character of who we are shines clear through when at the moment of despair or anger or resentment or disappointment we choose to be unkind instead of understanding.  

I keep going back to a scene from the movie, "The Lion King", when Simba is talking to Rafiki and telling him how awful he is because he caused his father's death and no one, even himself, could forgive him. Rafiki, in his wisdom says the following:

Adult Simba: I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long.


[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]

Adult Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?

Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past.

[laughs]

Adult Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.

Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.

[swings his stick again at Simba, who ducks out of the way]

Rafiki: Ha. You see? So what are you going to do?

Adult Simba: First, I'm gonna take your stick.

[Simba snatches Rafiki's stick and throws it and Rafiki runs to grab it]

Rafiki: No, no, no, no, not the stick! Hey, where you going?

Adult Simba: I'm going back!

Rafiki: Good! Go on! Get out of here!

[Rafiki begins laughing and screeching loudly]

We have to move on.  His ex-wife needs to move on.  The past is just that, the past. Focusing on the past (even though the past has created the "now")will only bring more sadness for everyone involved.

I've been struggling on how to assist Randy in getting us through this, struggling on how to deal with his ex-wife and struggling with the actual financial stress of it all.  I'm trying to remember to create boundaries as to how much I simply think about the situation. 

Having been a single mom for so long, I am very sympathetic to Randy's ex and how difficult it is to be alone.  I cannot tell you enough though how blessed she really is to have a guy like Randy be the father of her son.  Randy is an amazing father and would be there anytime, anyway possible for his son.  He is responsible and I believe would always try to do the right thing in helping his ex-wife take care of their son.  So knowing that, it's difficult for my sympathy to go very far.  

In my own past and circumstances, my ex-husband was gone...just gone one day.  I had no child support, no every-other-weekends off from being a mom/provider/caretaker (and everything that entails the word "mom"), no one to possibly take care of medical/health/dental insurance or pay half of those expenses and no one to help me raise my children (outside of my beautiful, loving, gracious parents). 

If Randy's ex-wife cwould just look at the glass half full, instead of half empty and move beyond the past of should haves, could haves, what-ifs, all the people she's touching by choosing her current decisive path would be much happier.  I wished she could realize her responsibility in the lives she touches, mine included, and bring into her space some forgiveness and possibly some understanding.  

I can't change her though...wished I could, but I can't. 

So what can I do????  

I pray in quiet times all alone, for the strength to not hate her..... 

I've had to forgive my ex-husband on a very large scale, had to forgive in my heart for the life altering, devastating choices he forced on me and my children.  I remember many people thinking that I perhaps forgave too quickly and that I should permanently hate him forever and ever and I easily could have, his choices would warrant that.  What has always made a difference for me is that my ex admitted to his bad choices, said he was sorry and for me I could not hold onto the hate.  That doesn't mean that I just moved on like nothing had ever happened.  I still to this day struggle with his past actions and remain dealing with them but I no longer wish devastating hurt and pain towards him and it no longer stops my heart from beating.  I knew I had to give up the hope that the past could have been any different, which is the definition that Maya Angelo gives of forgiveness.  I also knew that Christ, the perfect person that I was taught about all my life, would not hate my ex....so how could I?

For the bigger picture, for my bigger picture.... my life is good!  I will focus on the facts (positive facts) of today. I believe everything happens for a reason and people are brought in and out of our lives for a reason.  I'm so grateful that Randy has come into my life.  I'm so in love and he is so unconditionally kind to me.  He's a wonderful father to all of his FIVE children.  Focus on that, focus on the facts of today. Focus on what I can control and not what I can't.

That's my answer.