**I just read these 10 steps for effective co-parenting and found them very useful, the key point is to keep your focus on the children. Just recently creating a blended family, I've found everyone doesn't think like I do and hurt feelings can go a long way in making life miserable for really everyone involved. I have to say that I have been blessed to find Randy and am so grateful that he's a good person and father who always tries his best to make everyone happy, however we all can use tips to help us become better people and have healthier relationships. Honestly, these tips can be applied to many of our relationships in life, aside from co-parenting.**
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"You can't co-parent effectively with someone who is not willing to meet you half-way, and it goes without saying that you should not have to do all the work by yourself. However, you also know that the purpose behind your efforts is, continually, to do what is best for your children. They deserve to have a relationship with your ex, regardless of how you feel about him or her and your previous relationship. With that in mind, consider how implementing the following strategies will disarm your ex's defensiveness and pave the way for smoother, more open communication.
1. Keep a Promise
If you've made specific promises about spending time with your children, communicating, or helping your ex with a certain task, do everything you can to keep your word. Doing so sends a message to your children that you love them and consider them to be worth your time. However, if there is a valid reason why you can't keep a promise, speak with your ex openly and honestly about it. Come to an agreement on the matter so that your children are not left with unmet expectations.
2. Be Consistent
This seems like a small matter, but it is huge in terms of building trust with your ex and your children. Being consistent means speaking respectfully to your ex at all times, maintaining your child care schedule, and not allowing your conversations to be ruled by your emotions. Remember, you and your ex are the adults. You must model at all times what it looks like for adults to disagree, yet continue to work together for the good of a common purpose. In this case, that common purpose is caring for your children.
3. Be Considerate
Again, this is a rather simple tip, but it is one that is often neglected between co-parents. Being considerate includes letting your ex know about school events, being flexible about your schedules when possible, and recognizing that - regardless of the circumstances which led you to this point - learning to work together and put your kids first requires sacrifice, and it is not easy for either of you.
4. Keep Trying
Even though this is difficult, do not give up. It is for the benefit of your children that you must continue to make an effort to be civil with one another. With time, communication between you will get easier. Put your trust in that while you continue to make an effort on behalf of your children.
5. Listen
Listen twice as much as you speak. This sounds backwards, but allowing your ex to feel "heard" can subconsciously enable him or her to actually take in your point of view and help you come to a mutual understanding. In addition, you must remember that listening does not signify your approval, so disregard the fear that you'll lose control of the situation by allowing your ex to voice his or her opinions. On the contrary, learning to listen to one another without interrupting or automatically discounting the other person's point of view is a key ingredient to any successful co-parenting relationship.
6. Show Restraint
Train yourself not to overreact to your ex. This is especially important in front of your children. Realize that communicating with one another is going to be necessary for the length of your children's entire childhood - if not longer. Teach yourself to be numb to those buttons he or she is trying to push, and over time your ex will be forced to communicate in a more effective manner.
7. Ask His or Her Opinion
This is a simple technique that can effectively jump-start positive communications between you. Take an issue that you don't feel strongly about, and ask for your ex's input. Allowing him or her to participate in the decision making process on behalf of your children shows your ex that you trust his or her judgment and value his or her contribution.
8. Affirm Your Ex's Relationship With Your Kids
Take a moment to tell your ex how important his or her relationship with the children really is. What does it mean to them? What does it mean to you, witnessing the development of their bond and connection? This may be something you've already thought about but never said aloud. Doing that now can tear down years of defensiveness and anger.
9. Visualize a Positive Future
Visualization can be a powerful tool in creating the future you want for your children and yourself. Instead of focusing all your energy on what has not gone well in the past, create an image in your mind of what it might look like if you were able to collaborate for the sake of the kids. Imagine a future where you can co-parent effectively, communicate clearly, and put the pain of your shared past behind you.
10. Apologize
Of course, you should only use this strategy if you do, indeed, have something you need to apologize for. If that is the case, take the time to genuinely apologize for the hurt and pain your actions have caused. Do not make the mistake of thinking that something which happened a long time ago no longer needs to be addressed. It is amazing how powerful this one final step can be in moving your relationship away from being adversaries and toward collaborating in the work of raising your children."
By Jennifer Wolf, About.com Guide
"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different". - Maya Angelo
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Thought:
Life is too short to stress yourself with people that don't even deserve to be an issue in your life.
~Anonymous
Thursday, February 16, 2012
A Conversation....
I had a rough evening the other night and ended up needing to just shut down for a hour or so. I laid down on the bed and tried to drift into sleep. When I got up, Randy was talking to Mckelsie in the living room. He's always so patient with her, which amazes me! After joining their conversation I learned that Mckelsie had googled "Aspergers" on her own because she said she wanted to help understand her disability. My heart sank a bit as my earlier frustration was due to a situation involving our world with Autism. Although I had not said anything to Mckelsie about the root of my frustration, she understood. Perhaps I'm not as "incognito" as I thought!
My frustration was this: Other people do not understand that my baby girl (big, practically adult girl now) cannot always "control" her behavior and this does not relect that she is defiant or mean on purpose.
Now, I'm not saying that she doesn't purposely become defiant or mean, because she does.
As the conversation progressed, Mckelsie showed me a video that she found on the Internet. It's a video of a 16 year old boy that states he has Aspergers and how life is for him. He talks about being 50% Autistic and 50% "not" Autistic. He shows pictures to illustrate his thoughts. It was brilliant! Mckelsie related to nearly everything he said such as music being his heaven but if other people are listening to their music it drives him crazy. Noises are insanely annoying and watching TV helps teach more effectively than reading a book.
We continued to discuss the video after it ended. I don't remember how, but we began talking about different languages and Mckelsie said talking a different language is sort of like a persons own code. I asked Randy to talk to Mckelsie, ramble on in Spanish. He was a bit confused but he did. He spoke for nearly a minute all in Spanish. Mckelsie intently listened, a smile on her face. When he was done I asked her what he had said and she replied; " I don't know, it was Spanish!". I told her that Autism was like that....it's (her) own language. Other people don't speak "Autism" and do not always understand her. I told her that she wouldn't always understand other people because they don't speak "Autism". How frustrating it might get to continually try to communicate with someone that only spoke Spanish to her. It clicked for her....she got it!
"Mckelsie, just because Randy spoke to you in Spanish and you don't understand Spanish, does that mean you shouldn't talk to him?" I asked.
"No! I know he said something about Mom...." she replied.
"That's because you tried to understand him, even though you knew he was speaking a different language. That's how life is for you. Just because you don't understand some one's language or they don't understand yours doesn't mean you give up and not try to communicate with them and get along." I said.
These moments of clarity, even though it's extremely challenging to get to, are what make being a Mom to Mckelsie all worth it.
Mckelsie went to bed and later Randy and I discussed the conversation we'd had with her. The tears started to flow and I couldn't stop them.
"I can't make her normal." I said. "I can't make her what everyone wants/expects a child to be."
Randy comforted me, told me all the right things. He assured me that I didn't need to make Mckelsie anything different than what she was and helped me realize that I wasn't alone....he was there.
While I can't speak her language, I can try. I can help other's try to understand her.
My frustration was this: Other people do not understand that my baby girl (big, practically adult girl now) cannot always "control" her behavior and this does not relect that she is defiant or mean on purpose.
Now, I'm not saying that she doesn't purposely become defiant or mean, because she does.
As the conversation progressed, Mckelsie showed me a video that she found on the Internet. It's a video of a 16 year old boy that states he has Aspergers and how life is for him. He talks about being 50% Autistic and 50% "not" Autistic. He shows pictures to illustrate his thoughts. It was brilliant! Mckelsie related to nearly everything he said such as music being his heaven but if other people are listening to their music it drives him crazy. Noises are insanely annoying and watching TV helps teach more effectively than reading a book.
We continued to discuss the video after it ended. I don't remember how, but we began talking about different languages and Mckelsie said talking a different language is sort of like a persons own code. I asked Randy to talk to Mckelsie, ramble on in Spanish. He was a bit confused but he did. He spoke for nearly a minute all in Spanish. Mckelsie intently listened, a smile on her face. When he was done I asked her what he had said and she replied; " I don't know, it was Spanish!". I told her that Autism was like that....it's (her) own language. Other people don't speak "Autism" and do not always understand her. I told her that she wouldn't always understand other people because they don't speak "Autism". How frustrating it might get to continually try to communicate with someone that only spoke Spanish to her. It clicked for her....she got it!
"Mckelsie, just because Randy spoke to you in Spanish and you don't understand Spanish, does that mean you shouldn't talk to him?" I asked.
"No! I know he said something about Mom...." she replied.
"That's because you tried to understand him, even though you knew he was speaking a different language. That's how life is for you. Just because you don't understand some one's language or they don't understand yours doesn't mean you give up and not try to communicate with them and get along." I said.
These moments of clarity, even though it's extremely challenging to get to, are what make being a Mom to Mckelsie all worth it.
Mckelsie went to bed and later Randy and I discussed the conversation we'd had with her. The tears started to flow and I couldn't stop them.
"I can't make her normal." I said. "I can't make her what everyone wants/expects a child to be."
Randy comforted me, told me all the right things. He assured me that I didn't need to make Mckelsie anything different than what she was and helped me realize that I wasn't alone....he was there.
While I can't speak her language, I can try. I can help other's try to understand her.
Thoughts:
As for his secret to staying married: "My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me." ~Jon BonJovi
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Valentines 2012
Happy Valentines Day!
I got home from work to find this sweet poster in the living room that Randy made with the candy conversation hearts. It starts out with two hearts; "Hey you", "Sup Babe" and just continued with witty sentences using the hearts throughout. So freakin sweet! He totally knows I fall hard for those sappy, cheesy things!
I am the luckiest girl!
"Hey You! Sup Babe? My Sweet Rebecca,
Guess What? I tried and tried to find a cheesy Valentines Card that would be good 4 you, but couldn't find the perfect card, so I thought I'd make one to tell you how much I love you, how I'm head over heals! I hope you know I'm crazy 4 u and so happy UR mine. I'm so glad you decided to Email me with so many others who wanted your attention. When we first met I thought you were so fine but maybe too cool for me..... but I knew you would be so good 4 me and my children, so there was no way I was going to let you get away! Ever since I met you I thought you were awesome and we've had some really good times....then after our first kiss there was no doubt that you rock, that I was crazy 4 u, and I thought to myself, "I'm in Love". Over time I knew that you were the only one for me and you made my heart throb when I asked "will you marry me" and you said yes!
Now you are my honey pie, my soul mate, my sweet thing, mi amor, sweet pea, BFF, my love. Every day is party time and good times happen every day. Dare ya to find someone who loves you more than me.....no way you will find someone so mad 4 U. Rebecca, I want U to know how much I love you and I'm so happy everyday, that you are my girl.
XoXo, URS 4 EVR, Love you! Randy."
Monday, February 6, 2012
A new time...
After having recently been married and following many (dang near 7 years) years of being alone and divorced, I cannot believe how lucky I am, how blessed I am to have found Randy. I've learned a lot of lessons, shed a few (ok, a TON ) tears and had a whole bunch of laughs over those long, lonely years. I had people come and go in my life, lift me up and bring me down, talk some sense into me and listen to my two cents, found religion and lost it only to find it again....
What am I trying to say here...????
I am grateful to have had the experiences I've had. Don't get me wrong....I don't want to go through any of it again, EVER, but I am grateful to have had those experiences to help me focus more clearly on the good and what I want to get out of this life.
What is most important to me right now? My kids and also equally, my husband. I realize now too that our relationships, close relationships are so vitally important to our happiness and well being. Our kids use much of our unconditional love and rightfully so. Our spouses are more of an every day decision that we ourselves have to decide to make. We definitely can reach an "unconditional love" status with our spouses, however, the daily decision for them to come first, focus on them and to provide them a safe haven in our hearts is something that I have learned to do because of my experiences.
Living for so many years without a spouse and having gone through what I have gone through I believe has helped me become a better wife. I apparently am very stubborn and had A LOT to learn because it did take me so long to find Randy but I now truly believe that it was worth it....Randy is amazing!
**disclaimer: I still have A LOT more to learn, I promise. I also don't know what I would've done without the people that supported me all those years, my parents and girlfriends, the guy at work and many others that perhaps didn't even realize that they were helping me.
What am I trying to say here...????
I am grateful to have had the experiences I've had. Don't get me wrong....I don't want to go through any of it again, EVER, but I am grateful to have had those experiences to help me focus more clearly on the good and what I want to get out of this life.
What is most important to me right now? My kids and also equally, my husband. I realize now too that our relationships, close relationships are so vitally important to our happiness and well being. Our kids use much of our unconditional love and rightfully so. Our spouses are more of an every day decision that we ourselves have to decide to make. We definitely can reach an "unconditional love" status with our spouses, however, the daily decision for them to come first, focus on them and to provide them a safe haven in our hearts is something that I have learned to do because of my experiences.
Living for so many years without a spouse and having gone through what I have gone through I believe has helped me become a better wife. I apparently am very stubborn and had A LOT to learn because it did take me so long to find Randy but I now truly believe that it was worth it....Randy is amazing!
**disclaimer: I still have A LOT more to learn, I promise. I also don't know what I would've done without the people that supported me all those years, my parents and girlfriends, the guy at work and many others that perhaps didn't even realize that they were helping me.
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