A Conversation....

I had a rough evening the other night and ended up needing to just shut down for a hour or so.  I laid down on the bed and tried to drift into sleep.  When I got up, Randy was talking to Mckelsie in the living room.  He's always so patient with her, which amazes me!  After joining their conversation I learned that Mckelsie had googled "Aspergers" on her own because she said she wanted to help understand her disability.  My heart sank a bit as my earlier frustration was due to a situation involving our world with Autism.  Although I had not said anything to Mckelsie about the root of my frustration, she understood.  Perhaps I'm not as "incognito" as I thought! 

My frustration was this: Other people do not understand that my baby girl (big, practically adult girl now) cannot always "control" her behavior and this does not relect that she is defiant or mean on purpose. 

Now, I'm not saying that she doesn't purposely become defiant or mean, because she does. 

As the conversation progressed, Mckelsie showed me a video that she found on the Internet.  It's a video of a 16 year old boy that states he has Aspergers and how life is for him.  He talks about being 50% Autistic and 50% "not" Autistic.  He shows pictures to illustrate his thoughts.  It was brilliant!  Mckelsie related to nearly everything he said such as music being his heaven but if other people are listening to their music it drives him crazy.  Noises are insanely annoying and watching TV helps teach more effectively than reading a book. 

We continued to discuss the video after it ended.  I don't remember how, but we began talking about different languages and Mckelsie said talking a different language is sort of like a persons own code.  I asked Randy to talk to Mckelsie, ramble on in Spanish.  He was a bit confused but he did.  He spoke for nearly a minute all in Spanish.  Mckelsie intently listened, a smile on her face.  When he was done I asked her what he had said and she replied; " I don't know, it was Spanish!".  I told her that Autism was like that....it's (her) own language.  Other people don't speak "Autism" and do not always understand her.  I told her that she wouldn't always understand other people because they don't speak "Autism".  How frustrating it might get to continually try to communicate with someone that only spoke Spanish to her.  It clicked for her....she got it! 

"Mckelsie, just because Randy spoke to you in Spanish and you don't understand Spanish, does that mean you shouldn't talk to him?" I asked.

"No!  I know he said something about Mom...." she replied. 

"That's because you tried to understand him, even though you knew he was speaking a different language.  That's how life is for you.  Just because you don't understand some one's language or they don't understand yours doesn't mean you give up and not try to communicate with them and get along."  I said.

These moments of clarity, even though it's extremely challenging to get to, are what make being a Mom to Mckelsie all worth it. 

Mckelsie went to bed and later Randy and I discussed the conversation we'd had with her.  The tears started to flow and I couldn't stop them. 

"I can't make her normal." I said. "I can't make her what everyone wants/expects a child to be."

Randy comforted me, told me all the right things.  He assured me that I didn't need to make Mckelsie anything different than what she was and helped me realize that I wasn't alone....he was there.  

While I can't speak her language, I can try.  I can help other's try to understand her.