Notes:

Started Mckelsie on a new seizure medication this weekend, Klonopin. So far so good...no seizures. We are in the hopes that this medication will bring a better balance for Mckelsie's anxiety levels and balance her out emotionally. She did show some signs of fatigue on Saturday and a few weird facial gestures on Sunday but overall well. Talked with the school Monday and hopefully we'll have a good day at school today. They will be on the lookout for anything different in her behaviour today and definately for seizures.

Baseball... Wow, the dedication and time that it takes to have a boy in baseball! We've been baptized by fire, meaning we're learning of the culture of the baseball arena. Jayden has been practicing 4 days a week. Now that games have started he usually will play games twice a week and practice the other 2 days. Practices are two hours long....might I add, Jayden is 7 years old! It's been a bit of shock to say the least. I'm also learning that my motherly, protective instincts have kicked in as well. Jayden only played one inning in the outfield and didn't even get to bat for his first game. Seeing him sit on the bench for pretty much the entire game is heart renching. His second game...the coach heard from me. He still however was not put in the game until the top of the third inning. He did get up to bat (which he looked so little up there on the plate). Mind you...my motherly insticts are still on high alert. I've learned (from various reliable sources) the rules to Little League. Tonight is his third game and from my "research" he should be able to play the whole game! Let's hope the coach chooses fairly tonight!

All Worth It Comments:

Setting: One afternoon, Mckelsie (age 12) is busy doing her favorite thing...watching TV. Mom (me) is in the other room trying to get some cleaning done. Excitedly Mckelsie rushes in getting my attention..."Mom, Mom...come and look at the TV! Hurry! Come and look!". I go into the other room where she has the TV program paused. On the screen is a picture of a bible with a phone number listed below. Mckelsie continues in her excited voice, "Mom...look. We can call God!" Sweet tender laughter from her humbled mother with a hug following. Ahhhh....gotta love that kid!

All Worth it Comments:

Setting: Mckelsie (age 12), Jayden (age 7), Mom, Grandma Shar and Grandpa Steve sitting outside enjoying some nice sunshine on a beautiful spring day. Mckelsie tells Jayden to say, "Mckelsie's the coolest, I'm a nerd". Jayden says it, everyone laughs. Then Jayden wittingly (unknowingly) says... "Nerds are candy...I'm not a piece of candy." More laughter....

To my children: I love you more than words can say. My whole life I've always wanted to be a mother and you bring me more joy than any other thing in this world. I often worry that I am not doing things right, playing with you enough, providing for you as much as you need, but know that I am trying to give you the best life that I can and hopefully that will be enough. I am dedicating this blog to you. Hopefully one day you'll know and be able to read my writings and understand a bit more of how you became and the love that I have for you. I LOVE YOU! Mom.

Memories, endless tormenting visions
of what the picket fenced life would've been
wrenched relentlessly from my grasp.

Painted pictures, almost flawless
burning daily within my heart,
reminding me of life and love lost.

One step forward and achingly four steps back.
How does one release the grip, the tie
to gain some minuscule bit of happiness?

Weakness pulls ever so tightly
smothering guilt and pressured responsibility
once shared, now alone to bear.

Desperately needing a hand strongly held
lovingly stroked and kissed
calming the fires canvassed in my soul.

Rebecca Chapman - 2008

This is the beginning of my blog...I'm biting the bullet and hoping that this will prove to be a worthy place to put my thoughts.



Life has not at all turned out the way that I imagined it. I always thought I would be living the dream. Have the spouse, kids, home and wonderful summer vacations camping or enjoying time spent at the beach. I never wanted alot, just enough to be comfortable and content. I wanted to be loved and to love. I wanted to be a mother supported with a good, strong, reliable and ever loving husband. I pictured a nice little home and summer walks through the neighborhood. I expected all of that. However, life would prove that no one has that. Not that I expected perfection.... I knew perfection of life and love was unattainable but hoped that I would experience a glimpse of it. Enough to provide to me some happiness.